Hi September – Bye September!

I had to squeeze in another post before September was over. I can’t believe how little I write on here. I miss it. I need to get back here and be a part of this blogging world because I’ve really enjoyed it these past couple of years.

Exciting times over here… I bought a car! Yaaay! I found a used 2014 Subaru Impreza. I was really looking for All Wheel Drive and I liked what the Impreza had to offer. I got the hatchback over the sedan because I’m all about trunk space and accessibility. I’m really happy with it. And I just bought winter tires today. They have heated seats which I’m really happy about. Some of you guys don’t have the pleasures of driving in snow and slush for 6 months out of the year (sigh) but if I have the option of having my butt heated on those cold, horrible days, then I’m gonna go for it. So I’m a happy girl. My parents are happy they don’t have to shuttle me around and I’m happy I can take myself wherever I need to go whenever I need to go. I named him Raffi.

Everyone’s having babies all around me! Two people I know just had baby girls and my good friend S, who’s wedding I was in 2 years ago, is expecting a baby girl in December. I feel like I should be knitting but I’m still working on a blanket with L for C & A’s wedding… this past July.

I just released Rocco from this week’s twists and they’ll probably go right back up after tomorrow’s wash.

I went to the gym Monday through Friday this week. I’m just going to keep at it. I need to sweat it out sometimes. Today was great, I was planning on a long bike ride with my friend F but her bike wasn’t in quite the condition she was hoping so we ended up going for a hike which was wonderful. I hadn’t seen her for a bit so we got to catch up finally.

I’m waiting oh-so-patiently for my fav pumpkin beer to appear in stores. It’s sad but I checked the liquor store Wednesday, Thursday and Friday… I’ll give them a week. I’ve got 3 bottles of different pumpkin ales but there’s one special one I’m holding my breath for. What can I see, I really like my pumpkin beer and I really like autumn. B and I are gonna make pumpkin pie tomorrow *fingers crossed*. I hope the results are delicious.

In other news, I’m going to attempt to bake a pumpkin cheesecake today…. I’ll show you the results. Wish me luck! Have a great Sunday!

Oh yeah! I have a blog!

It’s been too long.

August has come and gone. 

  • I bought a gym pass today… I’m not making any promises. There’s a 10k run in a month in town here but I’m not really aiming for anything. I just really want to counteract my 12 hours of sitting per day.
  • I’m starting to work 6 days a week. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. On the commute to work this morning I actually woke up and had to think whether I was heading to work or leaving work… oy
  • But! My contract is up at the end of November so I’m going to have to get my butt in gear and start looking for something else.
  • I’m also looking for a vehicle… I really, really, really dislike car shopping. I don’t know the first thing about cars. I don’t know whether to buy used or new. I only know how to drive. Maybe this is a good adult experience for me. I’ve owned 2 cars before but I bought my first car because it was a ’98 VW beetle. That was my only reason and to my 18 year old self that was valid. My second car was actually great, and I’d love to have it still. It was an ’04 Mazda 3 and it was standard. That’s right, this girl drove stick shift. But I actually test drove a Mazda 3 that was standard about a month ago and, I kid you not, an hour after the drive I could feel my left knee was buggin. It was not cool. So, as sad as I am to have that option go, at least I know I’ll be looking for an automatic. But I have no idea where to start… oy
  • I went for a roadtrip with my boo and we had a lot of fun. We did some shopping, went out for great food, watched a movie and went go-karting!!! I loved it. We also sang roadtrip tunes like crazy on the drive back haha! I loved it.
  • I attempted to straighten my hair but didn’t want to put the heat too high and my hair just ended up being larger than life.
  • I played some golf and sucked royally. But it was still good.
  • Went to the lake one weekend day when it was pouring rain, sat under the covered area, fired up the woodstove and played board games with friends. It was amazing.
  • Went for a couple of runs with my boo. He’s so much faster than me.. grr…

I cannot wait for autumn. It’s my favourite season. Gorgeous colours on the mountains, crunchy leaves, cooler temperatures, beanies, scarves, sweaters, hugs, fires, hot drinks, leggings, boots, PUMPKIN BEER! Aaah, bring it!

And pics!

Saturday Sunshine

This past week has been a little different for me. I can make plans for something, map out the steps to get there. Like with running. I break it up, set up a reasonable time frame for my goal. But making changes in my life… I need a little persuasion. But I’m proud of myself. This past week I mixed up running outside, on my own and with a buddy, working out with YouTube videos in the mornings before work, not eating meat and sticking to water.

This past week I got a S’well water bottle from work. I’m pretty sure it’s 25oz, it’s pretty big, and it keeps my water cold for a long time. It’s great, I’m so happy I got one.

I’d like to lose weight and maintain that fitness level, but I also want to do it without paying for a gym pass. So I’m trying to be creative and incorporating fitness into my lifestyle. The no-neat thing makes me a little more aware of what I’m buying and what I’m eating. I don’t know if I could live without bacon so I don’t think this is a forever thing, but really, I’m kinda just excited I made it a week. I’ve been saying I’ll go veggie for this and that but I hadn’t. This go around I realized I can say I can start all I want or I can just start and stop talking about it. Haha!

As for Rocco. I had him in mini braids the first week. I don’t know why I went so mini. I by-passed my Sunday washed and figured I would go another week. Then Monday rolled around, my scalp felt like it needed clarifying, so I started to undo them. Didn’t quiiite finish that night so I styled it in a way that blended the braided with my unbraided hair. Tuesday came around and I ended up chilling on the sand with my bf. I took a couple out that night but didn’t get to finish so I once again styled it appropriately. Wednesday came around and I was determined to get the last of them undone. I enlisted my mom’s help, and we undid the last of them. I wore my hair in a bun for the rest of the week. Saturday morning I was happy to give Rocco a good wash and deep condition. I’m kinda thinking maybe I’ll put him in Curlformers this evening… I organized a golf scramble for work and I always have to wear my hair in a way that I can put a hard hat on top so it’s not usually out. I kind of want to do something different this time around. Why not right?

I love the feeling of freshly washed, dried, twisted hair. Makes me happy. I think I need to find a day to straighten my hair. I’ve been natural for 2 years and 5 months and I have never taken a flat iron to my strands but I’m getting a little curious to see what it looks like. I’ll admit, this post by Tales of a Curly Girl started me thinking. So keep an eye out for a post where I straighten Rocco. Eek!

I went to the market today and found the cutest little bag. I’m going to send that to my 3-year-old niece and hope she likes it.IMG_0245

Headstands and Running Buddies

I got two runs in this weekend and it makes me happy. My friend F and I hit the trails Saturday morning and this morning both followed by yummy breakfasts. Today after brekky we lamented about how much we missed yoga classes at the Y. So we found some YouTube yoga and got our stretch on. Then we decided we wanted to try headstands. Haha! Truly some funny moments in there but we were determined.

It’s Monday tomorrow and I’m not convinced I’m ready for it. But it’s going to happen regardless so bring it on, I guess.

I found a simple veggie/kale/quinoa recipe for this week so I’m hoping it tastes as yummy as it looks. I’m also going to keep Rocco in the tiny braids I’ve had for a week. It’ll be a two week hairstyle which I am a huge fan of.

Here are some pics of my hike and my headstand 😉

 

 

A Leap Towards Financial Freedom

I am so so so so happy to say as of May 2, 2014 I am (consumer) debt free!! I don’t have any money borrowed and collecting interest other than my student loans! Whoo!!

I got paid on Friday and working the stat holiday, Good Friday, gave me a great boost. I also got a nice tax return so what did I do? I tossed it onto my MasterCard and now I am at zero. This frees me up to put the money that went towards that card onto my student loans. I’m so happy it’s done with! I’m going to take some time to live without it for a bit. I rarely used it before because I was trying to pay it down but now that it’s at zero I just want it to sit at zero for a bit. In the future, anything I do put on it will be paid off in full at the end of the month. I don’t need to be carrying a balance from month to month. So here’s to rebuilding my credit!

And here’s to destroying my student loans. I am on a mission to pay off 75% of my student loans by December. Yeah. To achieve that I’m going to have to budge and be acutely aware of every dollar that goes in and out of my hands because I want to set myself up for a debt free future so my choices aren’t limited and I’m not held back by debt. This is an exciting time for me. I’m thankful that I have this great job, I’m thankful I live at home and pay reduced rent, I’m just really happy with my life situation right now.

Of course, it being life, I feel like if one thing is up then something has to be down… I’ve been finding myself battling how I feel about myself physically. I can honestly say I’m unhappy with my body. I enjoy running and biking, I love that it’s lighter and warmer out. I enjoy being active but it’s hard… when I’m home after 7 PM I just want to veg and relax and do nothing yknow? As soon as I’m home I pack my lunch for the next day, lay my stuff out, check my email, pay bills, watch a show and then it’s off to bed. I really don’t have a lot of time.

My friend goes to drop in soccer Tuesdays and Thursdays so I’m thinking I want to join him. I loved soccer and I love being outside and socializing while being active. I’m hoping that’s something I can be a part of.

That being said, today I went for a great 5.7 km hike with L. The uphill was a beast but the downhill we maintained a pretty good pace, skipping over roots and dodging dogs. It was really lovely, I’m glad we went. Then the local farmers market opened for the first day today which was amazing! It was sooo busy but we got our coveted Filipino food I’ve been missing since November. I was a happy camper!

I was doing really well in December when I was going to the gym regularly. I was starting to notice my body changing and I loved it. I don’t have the time for the gym so I need to do whatever I can to keep my body moving, especially after sitting for 12 hours a day.

I got an Essie nail polish today, I was feeling a little bummed out so I picked one up. I really like their polish, they’ve got a great colour selection. S and I went to the corner store afterwards and I got a slurpee and some 5 cent candy (yeah yeah) and the boy behind the counter gave me a free slurpee and only charge me for half of my candy! That made my night. S was all, dude, why didn’t you give me free stuff? I was like… oh S, it could be that giant rock on your left hand. Haha! Naw, he was cool, I thanked him and then laughed hysterically later.

Hair

I wore my hair loose all week this week. I did a rush twist job and it was not sitting so pretty so I wore it out. I’m going to do an overnight pre-poo tonight, really moisturize my strands/scalp and do an early wash day tomorrow. Better to get it out of the way so I can enjoy my day off.

That’s my update for the week. Nail polish, discount candy, work work work, and a great trail run. I hope tomorrow’s relaxing before the start of another week.

Oh! May long weekend (May 19) two friends and I are going to go for a shopping road trip! I’m really excited! I really haven’t built a solid wardrobe where I have a good number of clothes to wear for work and leisure. I just feel like I’ve been just getting by in the past since I didn’t have much to spend on anything other than rent, food and bills (oy). This is a little treat for myself.

Hello 2014!

We are two weeks into 2014 and this is my first post. Eek!

What has become of me? I still feel like I’m in the process of… nothing is really cemented for me or anything. I’m now just working my part-time contract job as my other part-time job finished last week.

Christmas and New Years were good. I’m glad they’re both over but they were fun while they lasted. I need to lay off the beer. I love the stuff but it’s weighing me down. This drink, while yummy, made me feel like shiiiiit the next day. I think I watched more hockey this winter than I have in my entire life. It’s fun and I’m glad I can enjoy watching it now.

I renewed my gym pass for January and then promptly got a cold. I’m still working to get rid of this lingering cough so I can put my pass to good use. I’m impatiently waiting for the snow to go away so I can run on the pavement. But I did go snowshoeing on Saturday which was really fun actually.

Rocco has been doing well so far. I have to say he has had help from a new hair tool I mentioned earlier.

I have my hair in mini-twists right now but when these are out I’m going to write a post on the Q-Redew handheld steamer that has been making my life a lot easier and has pretty well replaced my spray bottle. Rocco is 22 months and I feel like I know him pretty well now. He’s more predictable and I find there are more good surprises than bad. The learning curve is finally levelling out and now I get to have fun with different styles. I love wearing my hair stretched and pinning it up in different ways.

Hope this new year is off to a good start for you all. You’ll be seeing more of me. I promise!

Where Are You From?

How do you answer that question?

For me it depends on a number of things; first off who are you and what are your reasons for that question? I’ve been asked that question at the bus stop, in grocery stores, at the library, at school, at work, at the club, at the gym, at parties… and for every one person that asks I’m sure there are several others who are thinking it.

Straight up, if you are a black person asking me I am more likely to give you a straight answer: Zambia. If you are anyone else, I weigh my circumstances and I may give you a roundabout reply: Northern BC.

When a black person asks me I know they’re looking for a familiar tie, something relatable. We are both two similar faces in a predominantly white population and we’re looking for a neighbour, an instant friend.

For some context I live in Northern British Columbia, Canada. West Coast. Where I live right now there are probably less than 100 black people here. More now with growing industries. Down south, Vancouver, Victoria, there is a larger black population but still, the community is not very large.

Some situations:

My friend and I are sitting on the grass listening to music downtown Victoria. A black man in about his 60’s, shirtless with a t-shirt wrapped around his head is dancing on his own about 30 feet over. I know the inevitable is going to happen so I give him a polite smile and find a place on the grass chatting with my friend. It isn’t long before he saunters over, sort of half squatting facing us and says hi to me and asks where I’m from. Zambia. He chats for a bit, I nod politely, silently willing him away. Parlez-vous français? He asks. I shake my head no. Wrong country bud. But I look to my left and see if my white friend is willing to give herself away. Oui. She replies. T-shirt wrapped head man is absolutely tickled and turns to my friend for some French chat. I am secretly pleased that she gets the attention.

I think he was surprised to find a similarity in someone that he didn’t expect. He wasn’t trying to be obnoxious or intrusive, he just saw someone who looked like him and he was curious. Fair enough.

There are also situations where a non-black person will ask me where I’m from and then proceed to tell me how they were born in Zambia or Tanzania. Times like that I’m like, neat. I don’t know what context you were there for, I don’t know what context made you leave. There are many countries that evicted non-native populations from their countries once the country gained their independence or other situations and I’m not about to ask how you ended up here in Canada. I’m sure it’s a great story, but I just want to make a bank deposit and be on my way, thanks.

An interesting situation however is when they, too, are from Zambia and greet me in a local language whether it be Bemba, Lamba, Nyanja and I reply with a weak smile and an apologetic shrug. ‘Ah-ah!’, they say, looking both sad and surprised.

A funny thing happened when we were visiting Salt Spring Island this summer. We were the only black people from what I could see that day and my mom noticed as we were on the ferry leaving; not one person asked us where we were from. Normally if the 4 of us are out together, restaurants, coffee shops, hotels, we will be asked those 4 words. But not that time.

Now this question has a lot of sides to it. I’m a visible minority. People are curious. If I were in Zambia I’m sure I would still be asked this question. Probably going on how I dress, how I style my hair, and definitely how I speak. I speak like a Mzungu. My attempt at speaking my language would give me away immediately. But I haven’t experienced that. Yet.

I wasn’t a Canadian citizen until I was 11 years old. I was Zambian. But all I knew was my Canadian life. So I didn’t think anything of it, really, until I relinquished that citizenship. And not even then, but years later.

I was inspired to write this post because of something that happened back in October when I first moved home.

I’m at the library and an older white lady in her 70’s is in the aisle looking for a book near me. I’m looking at the back of a Michael Jackson biography as she says Hi, how are you? I smile at her and reply, Good thanks, how are you? She smiles and goes about looking for her book. Then before she wanders off she stops and looks up at me (she made me feel tall, and I’m only 5’4).

“Where are you from?” She asks conversationally, not accusatory at all but I’m not feeling it and I give her a sweet smile and say “Ooh, I grew up here.” I go back to browsing the shelves thinking I’d thrown a wrench in her plans.
“Where are your parents from?”
Come on lady, gimme a break, I think to myself. I sighed and said “Zambia”. That word seemed to have no meaning to her and she went on to tell me about her son’s wife (funny she didn’t call her her daughter-in-law or am I just reading too much into that?) who is from Rwanda. I nodded. This wife of her son is now building a school in Rwanda. Neato. I told her, “Have you gone to visit?” She replied with “Ooh I visited long before she was there. Africa is a fascinating country.”

With that she wandered off which was only upsetting to me because I really wanted to give her the o_O look and walk off myself, but she beat me to it. Africa is a fascinating country. That’s a whole OTHER conversation my friends.

This post is more of a brain barf. There are so many sides to this conversation and it really opens up a huge opportunity for discourse about culture, identity, citizenship, meaning… but it’s something I wanted to share with you.

Do you get asked ‘where are you from’? How do you answer? Does your answer change?

Liebster Nomination! Thank you

liebster-award

I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Awards by 3 fabulous bloggers DestanesfabNaturallyBlack and IsleofAzure. I think this is a fun departure from a regular post and gives me a chance to recognize some of the amazing bloggers I’ve come across.

Rules:

The LIEBSTER is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers
–        Link back the blogger that nominated you
–        Nominate 10 others who have less than 200 followers
–        Answer the 10 questions provided by the blog that nominated you
–        Provide 10 questions for the bloggers you nominate
–        Let your nominees know of their award

Here are the 10 questions I answered provided by the first person who nominated me, Destanesfab

1. What is your favorite book? The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill

2. What is your Zodiac Sign? Gemini

3. What is your Favorite tv show? Will & Grace

4. How old are you? 25

5. What kind of music do you like? Mainly jazz. I just appreciate a great voice and instrumentals

6. Coffee or tea? Tea

7. Instagram or Facebook? Instagram. No Facebook for this girl.

8. Who is your hero? My parents (sorry, can’t just pick one) 

9. If you had one wish, what would you wish for? Can’t say or it may not come true 😉 

10. Hot or Cold? Hot

Here are the 10 questions I answered provided by the second person who nominated me, NaturallyBlack.

1) What made you decide that you should write a blog? I wanted to write my account of my natural hair journey amongst other things. Blogging is like a public time capsule. I really enjoy going back and reading early posts, it takes me back. 

2) What inspires you to write for it? I love receiving comments and personal responses to what I post. Every single one of us looks at life through a different lens and I like seeing what others add to my posts. If it makes me think, laugh  or inspire me to find out more I love you for it!

3) What’s your greatest fear? Spending my life looking down and missing everything. And spiders.

4) If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Eeek! I love food and I’ll get tired of one thing… but I would say pizza… with lots of different toppings every time.

5)  Riddle: Give me food and I’ll live, Give me water I’ll die. What am I? (Guess first) My first guess was a Mogwai (Gremlins). I don’t know!! [Ok I looked it up and it says fire…]

6) Why did you choose WordPress to start your blog? In general I liked the format.

7) How long have you been blogging? Since May 2012.

8) If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be? I’ll take 2 more inches please. 5’7 sounds like a great height! haha

9) What do you want to do as a profession? (Or what do you currently do as your profession?) My background is in communications.

10) Are you happy with life? Right now I’m really searching and striving for meaningful and rewarding work.

The 10 bloggers I’ve chosen:

  1. My Natural Hair
  2. Natural Hair In The Media
  3. London Roots
  4. Foxy, Fat, and Fabulous!
  5. Picture Me Natural
  6. Young, Fabulous, and Natural
  7. Ihunda’s Musings
  8. Sincerely, Jess
  9. Skinny and Me
  10. Testimony and Truth

These are my Ten Questions to the 10 bloggers I’ve chosen:

1. Where were you born?

2. Top 5 countries you want to visit?

3. Name three things that make you happy.

4. List the pets you’ve had or have?

5. Favourite sport (to watch or play)?

6. Favourite season?

7. Comfort food?

8. Something new you want to try?

9. Favourite TV show (or movie)?

10. What do you love about blogging?

Thank you for the nominations!

Viewer Discretion: Vent Session

I’m not one to get worked up about things. I am generally a pretty chill person.

But!

I have been home for two months now. 25. Unemployed and literally living in my parents’ basement. It’s not bad. It’s really not. It could be a lot worse.

I just feel like I did everything right and I shouldn’t be punished this way. Yeah. I kind of feel like I’m being punished. I also feel disappointed.

I went to college after highschool. Did my two-year applied communication diploma program. Did a summer internship. Went on to get my bachelor’s degree in communication. Did a 5 month unpaid internship, was hired on and worked for 5 months before being laid off. Oh yeah. That company just took on a communication intern. Unpaid I can only imagine. (I have to keep reminding myself I’m glad I am no longer there but have great references from them. It was a poorly managed company that clearly takes advantage of its employees. Ugh.)

So, here I am stuck in my hometown while all of my buddies from school are working and making good money, buying cars and houses and taking trips to Vegas. Here is where I get shrieky: I don’t even want all that!! I don’t want to go to Vegas. I don’t want to own a house right now. I just want to work somewhere doing something I enjoy so I can pay off my student loans and not feel like a useless non-contributor to society.

But here I am surrounded by P the nurse, B the architect, L the teacher, F the nurse, J the legal assistant, T the city tourism director, S the early childhood educator, T the other legal assistant, A the engaged insurance broker… I feel like I am surrounded by people who ‘made it happen’.

I’ve had 3 interviews so far and 1 happening on Wednesday. 3 career-oriented jobs and 1 random. Of course the random job offered me a position but I turned it down. This may sound stupid but it didn’t seem wise to take an assistant job that pays the same as my previous liquor store job but takes 6-8 months to train in all areas. What if I found a job during that time? I would feel like a turd to up and leave that kind of position and leave them hanging when I knew I didn’t want to do that in the first place.

In some ways I also feel cheated. I feel like I did everything I was supposed to and never took a chance to do something I may have wanted along the way. I was always one to play it safe. I’ve never travelled. I’ve been to Seattle a couple of times but I’ve never seen a white sand beach, I’ve never had jet lag, I’ve never experience a radically, eye-openingly different culture. I’ve never watched a hockey game at BC place or gone on a hot air balloon ride.

Forget finding a boyfriend and crap, I just want a job that I’m excited to go to every day. I want to contribute to something and look forward to coming home for Christmas. Now I’m dreading everyone else coming home for Christmas. What excuse do I have not to hang out with people when I’m unemployed? Admitting I’m broke and can’t afford to go out? Uuuuugh.

I already partly dread the weekends because my friends are free and want to do things. Thankfully, my friends are reasonable and aren’t into partying every weekend. It’s mostly coffee or a few beers hanging at home.

I know I shouldn’t get frustrated. And I realize now the turnaround for applications being processed and HR getting in touch with you about an interview is usually pretty long.

I applied for one communication job in town on October 18. I got a call November 7 for an interview scheduled for November 13. That’s almost a month.

It freaks me out that I could be here for another couple of months, jobless. And I also realize it doesn’t make sense for me to apply for a job, get an interview and wait to hear back before applying to others. No. It should be a revolving door of me shipping out application after application and I feel like I need to remind myself I’m not good enough. That I cannot afford to send out an application and sit back with my feet up expecting them to scoop me up right away. No. I need to assume I suck at life and need to convince these people to take me on and therefore I need to up my chances by sending out thousands of resumes.

It’s not that I had a strict life plan or anything but I’m 25. I did my time in school. I walked away with something I thought was useful and applicable and I’m so ready to work I just… I feel like this should have happened by now.

Another thing on my mind: it’s winter. It’s dark by 4:30 pm and there’s no way I’m running outside in zero degree weather. I love myself more than that. So now what? I wait til spring? That’s a good 5 months from now… I’ve already put on at least 10 lbs. There may be some give and take from my bathroom scale to my parents (I tell myself that, ssh) but still. It’s there. It’s looking at me. So what do I do?  I’ve set up Hermie in the laundry room. All I have to do is hop on and pedal.

But!

I sleep in later than I ever used to.

I eat more than I ever did.

One thing my friend L and I were chatting about, she moved home after getting a job teaching first grade, was that we have been eating so much more meat than we used to while living on our own. Seriously. My dentist would be so proud of all the flossing I’m doing.

I rarely bought meat when I lived on my own because it was something I didn’t want to spend money on and I didn’t like preparing it. So, when I did buy meat it was a treat or for a recipe I wanted to try. But now I’m eating meat every day and it’s soo yummy but can make me feel weighed down! I keep telling myself I need to start a veggie diet but then I think to myself, I’m not getting groceries here, I’ll be veggie when I’m in my own place. But when will that be?

I don’t know how many mornings I’ve woken up thinking, ‘Alright, today is my first day being a vegetarian’ and then proceeded to help myself to bacon and sausages.

Thankfully my mom supports my smoothie habit but I feel like that’s the only piece of ‘me’ I’ve brought with me. I feel like I used to be this different person and, in a way, I was. I had a routine, habits, my own space. I had my life down. I had things figured out.

I had my own shower curtain and towels. I had a fridge with my own magnets and I had plants. I had an uncomfortable futon and an extremely comfortable double bed. (I am now in a single bed and I’m scared when I turn over I will fall off the edge). I was contributing regularly to my RRSPs. I had opened a savings account and it was growing. I was running almost 20 km a week. I was biking to and from work daily. I had discovered avocados, thrifting and drinking while cooking. I made an effort in my appearance and I was getting comfortable in my skin. I made shopping lists and caught up with friends and family via Skype. I spent weekends in Vancouver and had friends over. I had favourite restaurants and favourite snacks. Great places to sit and read a book and a place nearby to rent a kayak for an afternoon.

I feel like I was driven then and I don’t feel that drive now…

Now I have to force myself to get on that bike for 20 minutes or to not sleep in because I have things I could be doing. I mean, I don’t even know what I’ll do once I’m finished knitting that blanket. I get to go to the grocery store and hear my name called out and have to wonder who it’ll be. I turn around, take a breath and go heeeeeeey. Then I have to explain no, I’m not visiting, I’ve moved back, looking for work etc etc.

I feel as though I’m in this limbo. I don’t answer my phone because every call is long distance because I haven’t switched my number and I won’t until I know where I’m going to be living and working. Unless it’s a job of course. I’ve taken to putting my cell number on my résumé and not my home number. That way when it does ring (since it never does) I’ll know it’s legit.

This is the most unstructured post I’ve ever written and I feel like all the things I’ve felt are visible and tangible and it kind of sucks to see.

If you have an unemployed friend don’t ask them ‘how’s the job hunt going’ or ‘have you found anything yet?’…. if they have found a job I think it’s safe to say they would have told you… but this is coming from bitter old me.

I feel like I should apologize to my 10-year-old self for letting her down. For not grabbing the stars, seeing the world and not having an amazing, glamorous life. But I also realize that’s not legit or fair to my now self. I’m healthy, I’m cared for and I’m still searching.

Who knows, maybe my 26 year old self is saying girl, calm yourself, things are going to be fine. If only you knew what was ahead. But right now I’m 25-and-a-half year old me and I’m losing pieces of my sanity and self-esteem daily and I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle. But I also know I can’t win if I don’t fight so I’d better just keep at it.

1675 words later here I am. I know I’m fortunate and there are a lot of people struggling with things out of their control, rebuilding their lives or even hanging onto theirs so I’m not trying to be insensitive. I’m healthy. I’m cared for. I’m not hungry or cold or ill. I just needed to vent.

Here’s a picture of my neighbours cat who came lurking by my window. I was so bored I had to tap on the window to get him to notice me……… true story. I call him Milo.

My Knitting Project

Here’s what I’m up to. I am knitting a quilt for a friend of mine and so far I have 7 out of the 12 squares done.

It’s called a Log Cabin Blanket and the pattern is quite simple (not to mention free) and there’s even a YouTube video describing the steps (at the bottom).

It’s so simple even I can do it. I find myself easily confused when following patterns (or recipes ha!) so I was super jazzed to see this pattern was strictly knitting and no purling.

I inspired my friend to start a project and she’s crocheting a gorgeous baby blanket for her friend. We’re such nerds but when we hang out, if it’s just the two of us we’ll bring our knitting/crocheting bags and just chill.

I’ve learned a lesson from this project. If I’m going to start a knitting project:

a) don’t tell the person I’m giving it to or they may find the need to ask for updates. Surprises are more fun
b) make sure you’re giving it to someone who will appreciate the time and hand cramps it took to create it and won’t use it for a dog blanket…

Here’s mine so far:

Quilt Squares

Knitting Square

My favourite square so far is the one on the bottom right. I didn’t want them to be a set pattern for all so I had a little fun but I can see the more colours in one square the more I like it. But it’s my first quilt so I’m just gonna let the other ones slide. I already have an idea for my next quilt!

In general these squares take about two days to do. Not two solid days but two pick it up for a bit here and there days. They each have 9 sections and then they will each have a border added at the end. I will make sure to show the finished product. It’s quite a project! I wish I had started it sooner but I like that I am creating something unique and functional.

Anyone else have any projects or DIY crafts/gifts happening? I guess Christmas will be here in no time (eek).
And do you prefer knitting/crocheting/sewing/scrapbooking? What’s your favourite creative pastime?